So Sorry, Johnny

Sometimes I forget how secluded Japan is. Nearly all their information about the outside world comes from the media, which, by the time it gets to them, has been filtered significantly. For example, they think Snoopy is the star of his own show, entitled, "Snoopy and Friends". Both Jack Skellington and Stitch are popular characters over here, but if you ask what movies they come from, you'll get a glazed look and a shrug. While children have never heard of Winnie the Pooh, they all love that adorable yellow stuffed bear, “Pooh-san.”
We tried an exercise today on how (A) is more famous/interesting/beautiful than (B). I decided it would be fun to pit an American movie star against a Japanese one. I asked them:
“In America, who is more famous, Johnny Depp, or Toshio Mifune?”
“who?” they asked.
“Johnny Depp,” I said again, thinking I had said it too fast, or maybe they just couldn't believe that I dared recite a pop culture reference in the holy sanctum that is English class.
“Who's Johnny Depp?"
I then try to explain to them who Johnny Depp was, using all the Japanese I can muster through the haze of disbelief that is engulfing me, threatening to dissipate what sanity I have left after six months of living here, when the teacher pipes up, “Oh, you mean that pirate guy?”
“Ooh, the pirate guy!” all the children squeal, “He's so cool!”
Just to make things clear, I used Johnny Depp because I'd seen “that pirate guy” on almost every piece of merchandise imaginable. People dress up as him for Halloween. He's on pencil cases, lunch boxes and backpacks. He's in your cereal. And yet these people don't know Johnny Depp?
“yes, the pirate guy,” I say, getting back to the lesson, “The pirate guy is more popular than Tohsio Mifune.”
“Who?”
Okay, Japan. You're on your own.

Belated

I know it's been a while since I last wrote. To tell the truth, it's been a while since I last felt like writing. I want this to resemble a traditional blog as little as possible, meaning that I don't want to tell you about my feelings, or what I had for breakfast, or how my breakfast made me feel. That's a part of the human drama that we all get enough of without having to hear it from someone else in a different country, thank you.
No, I want this to be entertaining. Now you might think that just by living in Japan, Japan, of all places, every minute of every day is just filled with mind-blowing intensity; that the English lessons begin with a resounding anime-esque battle-cry of “English, GO!!!” that there are ninjas and super saiyans, and every other week Godzilla comes up out of the sea and decimates a large city. While I can't say for sure about Godzilla(I'm in a land-locked prefecture, hours away from any big city), I can tell you that country life in Japan is pretty much the same as country life everywhere else. That is, boring and ultimately not worth writing about. Read any book by Thoreau if you don't believe me.
One thing I can say with surety about the area in which I live; there is little or no opportunity for theatre. I suppose that's something you can say with surety about a lot of places, like the north pole, or the inside of a McDonald's. But in Kamioka it's especially vexing, because there's no Santa Clause or supersize fries, so the lack of performing arts is more apparent, stands out just a little bit more. One can rise above this by heading north to the prefecture of Toyama, an area famous for its fish.
I recently made the trek up there. The Toyama ALTs were holding auditions for a Japanese version of Alice in Wonderland. I did my little song and dance and snagged the part of the Cheshire Cat. Now, in this version, Chesh is actually a pretty big role; the male lead, in fact. He tries to convince Alice, now a Toyama high school student, to leave Tokyo(wonderland) and return to Toyama with him. Think Jimmany Cricket, except it's a sexy dancing cat.

Goin' Home

12/17/08
Finally managed to make a worksheet that Ato likes. I feel like I accomplished something.

Mona was absent today. I didn't know that teachers could be absent. I thought it was called something else.

Anyway.

Again, an incredible amount of nothing going on. I should get on that...

we had our last conversation class last night. I'd decided to hold a small party. I brought my laptop and had it playing Christmas music in the background, and I also bought a cake. That transaction went something like this:

I'd like a cake
how much are you willing to pay for it?
uh.....
is $40 okay?
uh......

For a cake that was roughly the size of a coffee can(and half as tall), I think $40 was a bit of a swindle, but I can't complain.

Really. I can't. It's not in any of my Japanese textbooks.

It was really funny at first because everyone had brought something, and we had this fantastic spread, but NO ONE wanted to be the first to eat. We all just stood around the table saying stuff like,

“ooh, that sushi looks nice, doesn't it?”
“Yes, I think so, too.”
“and those sweet potatoes look delicious. Did you make those?”
“Yes I did.”
“Oh, what a lovely cake!”
“uh....”

Fifteen minutes passed. I decided to play the Rude American and grab a cookie. After that, people began to dig in, and the party really started.
So I'm really excited to be going home for the holidays. Not that Japan hasn't been an absolute brast; I love it here* But a few days at home is just what I need to get my head on straight.

A few things I'm looking forward to:


Blending in again
central heating
being able to read the signs
wide, spacious traffic lanes
being able to throw EVERYTHING out in the same trash can
“my size” trash cans.
“my size” clothes
central heating
whole grains
flouride in the toothpaste
cottage cheese
0% humidity
0% humility
no rain
no snow**
central heating
Mexican food
Mexicans

Things I'll miss:

people telling me I look like DeCaprio
People telling me I look like Tom Cruise
People telling me I look like Rocky
random gifts from total strangers on days that aren't my birthday.
People offering to drive me places when I just ask for directions.
Fresh brown rice
fresh, sweet, DELICIOUS produce

Well, that's my last entry in Japan for a while. Catch you in America.

Maybe.


*can't you tell?
**apparently, Vegas recently got three freak snow days; everyone frolicked, some small snowmen were made. some small snowballs were tossed, and people forgot how to drive.

I'm Mister Grey Christmas

Earlier this week, I found this on my desk:

Please make speech or picture about Christmas. We have the extra room each grade. I want you to make “International Area” each room. For example, put some pictures or cards or write explanation...something like this:(example not included, as there wasn't one)

Not so elaborate!! Something interesting. First, please think about this!
-Thanks!
I learned later that this meant I was to make a Christmas poster, fashioned out of normal-size paper and blown up to a not-so-elaborate size to be displayed in the classroom in my absence. I set to work.
But first, I thought about it.
That done, I got out my Crayolas. Coloring at your desk at the age of 25 is one of those singular privileges exclusive to ALTs and the mentally challenged.
I thought up a really nice, but easy-to-understand explanation of Christmas, complete with snowman and a bare Christmas Tree which, when blown up, could be decorated with real ornaments purchased from the 100 yen store. I presented it to the teacher, who also admitted it was very nice. But, she told me, since they didn't have a color copier, the poster would be in black-and-white.

Take that, children.

Winter: a Prelude

A sweater can hide
The wrinkles in your dress shirt
But not in your heart
-Hakuma



Last week, it snowed.
I'm not talking one of those early November sprinkles, where people drop what they're doing and run outside to frolic; where class is disrupted but teachers don't mind because it's the first snow of the season and oh, don't they just remember how it was when they were little; gathering what meager flakes they could to make precious, tiny little snowballs that melted before impact.

No.

I'm talking about a ton of snow being DROPPED on our quiet little town as we slept. I'm talking about going outside and not being able to find my car. Seriously, it's like God said, “Let there be SNOW!” and then the phone rang.

Japan is really proud of its four distinct and uniquely beautiful seasons, and I can appreciate that, especially coming from a place where the only time I get to see snow is on television. What I don't appreciate is when one season bullies its way in before another season is through. Apparently, Spring is just as wimpy.

Now let me tell you something now about Japanese housing; they're made light and airy, designed to deal with earthquakes and the harsh, muggy summers. This means that it gets very drafty in the winter, and the temperature inside is the same as the temperature outside. Your only hope is a space heater, often only strong enough to heat one room at a time, and a kotatsu.

A kotatsu is a small table with a built-in heater underneath to keep for legs warm. A thick blanket is draped over the top to keep the heat in, which generally makes for a good reason never to get up from it again. Those who are having trouble studying their Japanese, or want to finish that novel they just KNOW will make them famous, I suggest moving to Japan and purchasing a kotatsu. You'll get the work done, and then some.

One good thing about the winter; no more bugs. The bugs are dead! Honestly, I never thought I'd be so happy about mass extinction, but DING, DONG the bugs are DEAD!! Take THAT, you little fuckers!

Would you believe, as a little boy, I wanted to be an entomologist?

On the other hand, they might all reincarnate as degrees Celsius and freeze my shower...

Classes, My Personal Life, and Tony Hawk

Had my classes for the day. The first was with Mr. Mori. The subject was how to make sentences out of the “How many _____ do you have?”

Now, I ask you. How much trouble can we get into with that?

Lots.

MR. MORI: “how many CDs do you have?”
ME: “I have twenty CDs.”
MR. MORI: “how many brothers do you have?”
ME: “ I have three brothers.”
MR. MORI: “how many girlfriends do you have?”
ME: “What? I mean...I have no girlfriends.”
MR. MORI: “Is that so? I have one hundred girlfriends.”
ME: “ah...”
MR. MORI: (holding up a picture of baseballs)“how many balls do you have?”
ME: “I have two balls. Thank you.”

next class was with Ms. Mona. I read a short article out loud about skateboarding:

“...Many people skateboard. It is fun. I skateboard, too. It is also fun....many people think that skateboarders are not good people, but that is not true. The most famous skateboarder is Tony Hawk. He built many safe parks....”
Then we passed out a test based on the reading. While the students were working on it, Ms. Mona cornered me and asked me what the answers were. Not being the one who PREPARED the test, I said I didn't know exactly. The questions were simple enough: who is the most famous skateboarder, Are skateboarders good people, etc. We figured it out.
Lunch is wierd. they have eat with a different class each week, I guess to help familiarize me with the students, and Vice versa. It's great when I go to the elementary schools; everyone talks and laughs and we have a great time. But today I had lunch in the middle school with the ninensei(2nd years), and they were all very quiet. The teacher had warned me about it beforehand:
TEACHER: I dont understand it; in class they won't shut up, but when it's time for lunch, they're little angels!
ME: Maybe they're plotting something...
She was right. I get in there and absolutely NO ONE is talking. The only sound was the click of chopsticks and the slurping(it is polite to slurp-means you like the taste) of miso soup. I actually became very conscious of how I was eating; no way was I gonna be outdone by a bunch of little ninenseis!
Then, as if by some evil magic, the bell rang and the ninenseis immediately reverted back into ninenseis. They yelled, slammed chairs, and wrestled over the last piece of fried chicken on one poor little boy's plate. While the teacher was tried to regain control of the class, I beat a hasty retreat back to the office. My contract says nothing about wrestling for fried chicken.



What I learned today:
Skateboarders are good people.

Public Announcements, English Drama, and a Little Burr-Sheets.

It's getting colder here. Tonight I'm sleeping with a sweatshirt over my T-shirt. Also, I closeted my fan in exchange for the space heater. I didn't expect it to happen so soon, and I'm a little worried. What kind of winter am I in for?
No sleep last night. Like many small towns in Japan, mine has a public announcement system, which also serves as a public alarm clock(for factory workers and farmers) and a public nuisance(for everyone else). Something must have gone down last night, for at the hours 12, 3, and 5am, it blared messages; something about a car, I think. I actually got up and peeked out my window to see if my car was properly parked, lights off, etc. Call me egotistical, but I have this terrible fear that one day I'll hear my name in one of those things. This might be because I often hear them when I'm walking somewhere new, and not sure if I'm supposed to be there or not:
ATTENTION: THE AMERICAN HAS WANDERED ONTO THE HOLY TEMPLE GROUNDS; WOULD THE CLOSEST INDIVIDUAL PLEASE REMOVE HIM AND STERALIZE THE GROUNDS. REPEAT: THE AMERICAN....
It doesn't help that I can only understand a few words, and that the same message, slightly delayed, is playing in another area of town, just as loud and distorted.
Classes at Mountain Village Middle/Elementary today. It's still my favorite, and now I'm directing an “English Theatre” production of Momotaro, a popular Japanese fairytale. Among the translated lines, my favorites are:
“Honey, I'm home!”
"OGYAH! OGYAH!"
and,
“Oh, my GOD! What a big peach!”
(I did not translate. I only direct...and chuckle quietly.)

Mountain Village is also my favorite school because the elementary teachers are really serious about team-teaching, and if you know anything about this program, you know that's a rarity. We're either running the whole show, or we become a sort of expensive tape-recorder the Japanese teachers use for pronunciation exercises. This is especially true for some of my schools:

ME: Banana.
STUDENTS: Banana!
ME: Apple.
STUDENTS: Apple!
ME: Bullshit.(as in: This is____)
STUDENTS: Burr-sheets!

I suppose there's no point in me doing this blog if I'm not honest. Some of the classes are like that, and I think it's a shame.

But back to Mountain Village. One teacher, we'll call him Montag-sensei(he loves Ray Bradbury, I found out), comes to me before every lesson and explains what he wants covered that day. We exchange ideas, and usually end up with something very effective. He is helping to direct the English version of Momotaro, but instead of just getting the students to memorize the English lines, he thinks up lessons to explain the various grammer points the characters use. Of all my coworkers, he seems the most connected with the kids. I also like him because he's got a great sense of humor and laughs like a cartoon character. If nothing else, my weekly trip to Mountain Village is a breath of fresh air.

Japanese Word of The Day:
Burr-sheets

Quote of Current Book:
"You deal with the madmen. All men are mad in some way or the other; and inasmuch as you deal discreactly with your madmen, so deal with God's madmen, too-the rest of the world." -Van Helsing, from: Dracula